My Dad's Blog

My father is writing a blog series thing that tells the story of him coming out and saying to the world that he is gay. In each post recently it has gotten harder for me to read. Not because I don't want to hear the story, but it is so hard to relive every thing. There are things that I remember that I don't think that I ever told him.

I am not scolding him in any way for writing his story. In fact I am doing the opposite. I want him to keep writing, but that doesn't make it any easier to read of course. This is why I haven't posted any comments on his blog. There is so much I want to say, but I don't think it would be the smartest thing for me to do.

For those of you who do not read my dad's blog and are really confused about what the hell is going on here is link

And I know that my dad is eventually going to read this. So I am saying this here, I love you and don't worry just keep writing your story. There are so many people out there that need to here your story, I just hope that those people are able to do just that. Find your story in some way.

My birthing dreams

So on a happier note I am officially due in 12 weeks. If you do not already know it is going to be a boy. His name is going to be Elijah Davis. His middle name is for me to know and you all to find out once he is born. I know it is probably mean of me, but I have to keep a little to myself until 12 weeks from now, or whenever he decides it is time to come out of me.

So last night or the night before that I had a birthing dream. And this is the funniest one yet, so to start the dream:

I was having minor contractions so I called my mom. She told me she would be there in five minutes. Which is kind of strange since she lives about 5 hours away. Anyways she brought Rennen and Dennis with her. Right as she got there my water broke so we rushed to the hospital and when we got there Jason, Giancarlo and the whole gang was there.

I got all checked in and what not and the nurse says to me, well since you are only 4 centimeters dialated, you can go down the hall to our dance class. Well my husband was the one that drug me to the class and it so happens that in that class there was his brother Aaron, our friends Cheryl, Sean, and Stephen, and they were teaching the class. Well after going in the room we decided to go back to my room.

When we got back pumpkin and patches were there. They were in there bed waiting for us and of course if you know these dogs they were jumping all over Nathan and I to greet us. Well my my mom also has a dog and her name is Gracie. I asked my mom where Gracie was and for some reason she left her in the car.

So then I guess it was time to check to see how dialated I was at that point and by this time I was 8 centimeters dialated and 100% effaced (I think that is the word, but probably not.) So they got me all ready for the birthing process and so everyone, but Nathan, Claire (my mom), Amelia, Dennis, Giancarlo, and Jason were taken out of the room.

And if you have heard my other dreams of what happens when he is born you know that for some reason Dennis was drinking his beer, Giancarlo is passed out on the ground, Jason is writing a blog, and Nathan is not sure what to do, Claire is telling me to push, and Amelia was just standing there with her mouth wide open.

Well Nathan doesn't want to cut the cord, so he hands the scissors to Amelia and she cuts the cord.

This all happened in this dream too. And that is the end for now. Who knows what will happen in my next birthing dream.

Ok, don't ask me why I am having these weird dreams because I have no idea. Everyone is just a little different, but this past dream I think is the strangest of them all. I really have no idea where it came from.

No title to describe this post

I feel like I am being a nuisance to everyone that I come in contact with. I don't know what I do to cause it, but it seems to always happens. I guess that is part of the reason that I haven't posted in such a long time.

I try my best to not annoy or be a problem to anyone else, but lately it seems that is the only thing that I am good at.

This has not been the best couple years for me. Being a trouble maker my sophomore year of high school and being sent to live with Ron (my biological father). Living in a three bedroom house that you could barely walk through the doorways in with 5 other people and them not wanting to be anywhere near you or talk to you is not the funnest experience.

And being forced into going back into the LDS church with no choice in the matter is not that great either. Nothing against the people, but it is just not for me at this point in time. Maybe once I come to terms with some things I will be able to go back, but not until then.

Anyways then being under house arrest because of me doing some more things that are stupid. And the only real reason that I did do those things is so that I could breathe something other than hatred that was directed at me for a year and a half almost two years. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, or the sense of the positive attention that I needed from some one that could treat me like a daughter.

The whole two years that I lived with Ron and Kim were some of the most painful years in my teens so far. There was no complementing me on my grades and how good I was doing in one class or the other. They only focused on the negative. Why I failed a test. Why I have to do this. You need to do that. I think in that amount of time that I lived with them I got a total of one positive comment and it was from Ron who said to me "The only good that has happened this year is you moving in with us." Which in a way is not a positive comment to me it was what made him happy. And what made his year.

I asked my mom for a long time if I could move back with her and through it all she just told me that I had to stay there and that was my home now. Yes I did always have a roof over my head when I lived there, but when it came to anything else I was at the bottom of the food chain. I believe that my step-mother thought of me as the something that she had to deal with and that I didn't belong in her house.

I did my best to try and get to know these people and I don't say this in a mean way its just what they are to me, people/acquaintances. But I do believe that they caused me more hurt in the long run than any good.

The only reason that I am writing this is so I can feel like I can breathe again. I have been holding this in since it all started in June of 2005 till March of 2007. I think that it is time to let it go and this is the best way that I knew how.

I am not trying to offend anyone by this post and if you would rather send me an e-mail than post a comment my e-mail address is subarufann@hotmail.com

My Ant Problem

So my husband is a typical guy. No matter what I say I am usually wrong. And he wants to fix everything. Such as our ant problem. So it is story time.

We moved into our apartment and we were thinking that it was all fine and dandy. Then we had a paper bag with a piece of paper in it until we bought a trash can. Well then we found out that we have an ant problem. Now can i just tell you that i didn't think that ants liked paper, but i guess they do because that was the only thing that was edible in the whole house at that point in time.

Well we have tried to fix the problem ourselves, but the ants keep finding ways in. They are the sneakiest little things that i have ever seen.

It is actually getting really annoying and I am about to scream my head off because at this very moment in time my husband is foaming up yet another crack in the wall.

I HATE ANTS!!!!!!

Shopping with my mom

Today I went shopping with my mom and she taught me alot of different things. I was really thankful to have her help and guidance on what things are needed for a baby and what things you can really just live without. Nathan and I are glad to have someone's advice that has done this baby things 3 times and has run a daycare. So thank you mom. You are really helpful and i know that you will be there when my baby is born to help me through it.

My First Ultrasound

So as you can guess my first ultrasound was today. I didn't think it was that fun until I saw the baby. Can i just tell you that it is not fun for someone to have to really go pee pee and have someone put pressure on your bladder area to fish around for a visual of what is going on inside of you. But it was for this picture...


Ok, so as my sister Amelia puts it, it is chubby. She also says that it is an ALIEN. Ok, but that is my cute chubby alien.

All that baby wanted to do was move around so that the radiologist couldn't find it. He would sit still for a little while then move around and she would have to search again to get the image. Finally when i saw it I was just shocked. This little being is growing inside of me! But it was funny because once the radiologist turned the screen so that we could see it, the little one stopped moving and just kept kicking and moving its little head.

I think my cute chubby alien will definitely be entertained by my family.

My first Doctor's appointment

So today was my first doctor's appointment. IT SUCKED!!!!!! They drew blood and opened my vagina up and looked at my insides, and to think i only met this person about 5 minutes prior to this. So to say the least it was DISTURBING. I was not to happy about. Then they told me i had to pee in a cup and of course i had forgotten about this and had peed before i came so i didn't need to go. So it took me about four times to finally have an amount that they may be able to work with, but of course they will call me and say that they need more pee out my bladder.

Yeah so i don't think i am looking forward to my next visit which is an ultrasound. On this joyous occasion i have to drink about 40 oz. of water in less than 2 hours, and i can't drink anytime before the hour i go in. I am totally confused, and i am sure you are too.

The News

Ok so some of you may have heard. I am pregnant. Nathan is insisting that it is a boy, but i think that it is a girl. I personally hope that it is a boy, but i have to fight for my own gender so there. My family really just is still in a loss for words at the moment. Well there isn't much i can do about it now. Oh well.

My husband

Okay. This is my husband who I love very much, But sometimes he is really random and thinks that the best solution to some things are ok. Such as not brushing his hair before we took a bunch of pictures. I am nto trying to say that don't like it, But i personally think it is funny.

Plus just so you all know...my butt was very wet after sitting on that grass. I guess i dodn't get the memo that the lawn had just got watered. Yeah i was not too happy about that.






Ok. I just have to laugh at this one. I think he may be searching for something. Maybe he was searching for the bunny killer. I am not so sure though. I think i am going to get into trouble for this one with my dad and Nathan. Oh well.

My very interesting family

So may i just say that i love my family very much, but sometimes they are just weird. Lets just say sometimes they don't know how to handle certain situations. Such as a certain person that i will leave nameless who i personally think does not know how to deal with a girl that has started her period. yeah lets just say today was an interesting day dealing with my two little sisters and there waking up experiene. You can read about it on my little sisters blog. I am talking about amelia by the way.

She is so devestated. I feel so bad for her.

Hope she feels better