My father is writing a blog series thing that tells the story of him coming out and saying to the world that he is gay. In each post recently it has gotten harder for me to read. Not because I don't want to hear the story, but it is so hard to relive every thing. There are things that I remember that I don't think that I ever told him.
I am not scolding him in any way for writing his story. In fact I am doing the opposite. I want him to keep writing, but that doesn't make it any easier to read of course. This is why I haven't posted any comments on his blog. There is so much I want to say, but I don't think it would be the smartest thing for me to do.
For those of you who do not read my dad's blog and are really confused about what the hell is going on here is link
And I know that my dad is eventually going to read this. So I am saying this here, I love you and don't worry just keep writing your story. There are so many people out there that need to here your story, I just hope that those people are able to do just that. Find your story in some way.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
My birthing dreams
So on a happier note I am officially due in 12 weeks. If you do not already know it is going to be a boy. His name is going to be Elijah Davis. His middle name is for me to know and you all to find out once he is born. I know it is probably mean of me, but I have to keep a little to myself until 12 weeks from now, or whenever he decides it is time to come out of me.
So last night or the night before that I had a birthing dream. And this is the funniest one yet, so to start the dream:
I was having minor contractions so I called my mom. She told me she would be there in five minutes. Which is kind of strange since she lives about 5 hours away. Anyways she brought Rennen and Dennis with her. Right as she got there my water broke so we rushed to the hospital and when we got there Jason, Giancarlo and the whole gang was there.
I got all checked in and what not and the nurse says to me, well since you are only 4 centimeters dialated, you can go down the hall to our dance class. Well my husband was the one that drug me to the class and it so happens that in that class there was his brother Aaron, our friends Cheryl, Sean, and Stephen, and they were teaching the class. Well after going in the room we decided to go back to my room.
When we got back pumpkin and patches were there. They were in there bed waiting for us and of course if you know these dogs they were jumping all over Nathan and I to greet us. Well my my mom also has a dog and her name is Gracie. I asked my mom where Gracie was and for some reason she left her in the car.
So then I guess it was time to check to see how dialated I was at that point and by this time I was 8 centimeters dialated and 100% effaced (I think that is the word, but probably not.) So they got me all ready for the birthing process and so everyone, but Nathan, Claire (my mom), Amelia, Dennis, Giancarlo, and Jason were taken out of the room.
And if you have heard my other dreams of what happens when he is born you know that for some reason Dennis was drinking his beer, Giancarlo is passed out on the ground, Jason is writing a blog, and Nathan is not sure what to do, Claire is telling me to push, and Amelia was just standing there with her mouth wide open.
Well Nathan doesn't want to cut the cord, so he hands the scissors to Amelia and she cuts the cord.
This all happened in this dream too. And that is the end for now. Who knows what will happen in my next birthing dream.
Ok, don't ask me why I am having these weird dreams because I have no idea. Everyone is just a little different, but this past dream I think is the strangest of them all. I really have no idea where it came from.
So last night or the night before that I had a birthing dream. And this is the funniest one yet, so to start the dream:
I was having minor contractions so I called my mom. She told me she would be there in five minutes. Which is kind of strange since she lives about 5 hours away. Anyways she brought Rennen and Dennis with her. Right as she got there my water broke so we rushed to the hospital and when we got there Jason, Giancarlo and the whole gang was there.
I got all checked in and what not and the nurse says to me, well since you are only 4 centimeters dialated, you can go down the hall to our dance class. Well my husband was the one that drug me to the class and it so happens that in that class there was his brother Aaron, our friends Cheryl, Sean, and Stephen, and they were teaching the class. Well after going in the room we decided to go back to my room.
When we got back pumpkin and patches were there. They were in there bed waiting for us and of course if you know these dogs they were jumping all over Nathan and I to greet us. Well my my mom also has a dog and her name is Gracie. I asked my mom where Gracie was and for some reason she left her in the car.
So then I guess it was time to check to see how dialated I was at that point and by this time I was 8 centimeters dialated and 100% effaced (I think that is the word, but probably not.) So they got me all ready for the birthing process and so everyone, but Nathan, Claire (my mom), Amelia, Dennis, Giancarlo, and Jason were taken out of the room.
And if you have heard my other dreams of what happens when he is born you know that for some reason Dennis was drinking his beer, Giancarlo is passed out on the ground, Jason is writing a blog, and Nathan is not sure what to do, Claire is telling me to push, and Amelia was just standing there with her mouth wide open.
Well Nathan doesn't want to cut the cord, so he hands the scissors to Amelia and she cuts the cord.
This all happened in this dream too. And that is the end for now. Who knows what will happen in my next birthing dream.
Ok, don't ask me why I am having these weird dreams because I have no idea. Everyone is just a little different, but this past dream I think is the strangest of them all. I really have no idea where it came from.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
No title to describe this post
I feel like I am being a nuisance to everyone that I come in contact with. I don't know what I do to cause it, but it seems to always happens. I guess that is part of the reason that I haven't posted in such a long time.
I try my best to not annoy or be a problem to anyone else, but lately it seems that is the only thing that I am good at.
This has not been the best couple years for me. Being a trouble maker my sophomore year of high school and being sent to live with Ron (my biological father). Living in a three bedroom house that you could barely walk through the doorways in with 5 other people and them not wanting to be anywhere near you or talk to you is not the funnest experience.
And being forced into going back into the LDS church with no choice in the matter is not that great either. Nothing against the people, but it is just not for me at this point in time. Maybe once I come to terms with some things I will be able to go back, but not until then.
Anyways then being under house arrest because of me doing some more things that are stupid. And the only real reason that I did do those things is so that I could breathe something other than hatred that was directed at me for a year and a half almost two years. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, or the sense of the positive attention that I needed from some one that could treat me like a daughter.
The whole two years that I lived with Ron and Kim were some of the most painful years in my teens so far. There was no complementing me on my grades and how good I was doing in one class or the other. They only focused on the negative. Why I failed a test. Why I have to do this. You need to do that. I think in that amount of time that I lived with them I got a total of one positive comment and it was from Ron who said to me "The only good that has happened this year is you moving in with us." Which in a way is not a positive comment to me it was what made him happy. And what made his year.
I asked my mom for a long time if I could move back with her and through it all she just told me that I had to stay there and that was my home now. Yes I did always have a roof over my head when I lived there, but when it came to anything else I was at the bottom of the food chain. I believe that my step-mother thought of me as the something that she had to deal with and that I didn't belong in her house.
I did my best to try and get to know these people and I don't say this in a mean way its just what they are to me, people/acquaintances. But I do believe that they caused me more hurt in the long run than any good.
The only reason that I am writing this is so I can feel like I can breathe again. I have been holding this in since it all started in June of 2005 till March of 2007. I think that it is time to let it go and this is the best way that I knew how.
I am not trying to offend anyone by this post and if you would rather send me an e-mail than post a comment my e-mail address is subarufann@hotmail.com
I try my best to not annoy or be a problem to anyone else, but lately it seems that is the only thing that I am good at.
This has not been the best couple years for me. Being a trouble maker my sophomore year of high school and being sent to live with Ron (my biological father). Living in a three bedroom house that you could barely walk through the doorways in with 5 other people and them not wanting to be anywhere near you or talk to you is not the funnest experience.
And being forced into going back into the LDS church with no choice in the matter is not that great either. Nothing against the people, but it is just not for me at this point in time. Maybe once I come to terms with some things I will be able to go back, but not until then.
Anyways then being under house arrest because of me doing some more things that are stupid. And the only real reason that I did do those things is so that I could breathe something other than hatred that was directed at me for a year and a half almost two years. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, or the sense of the positive attention that I needed from some one that could treat me like a daughter.
The whole two years that I lived with Ron and Kim were some of the most painful years in my teens so far. There was no complementing me on my grades and how good I was doing in one class or the other. They only focused on the negative. Why I failed a test. Why I have to do this. You need to do that. I think in that amount of time that I lived with them I got a total of one positive comment and it was from Ron who said to me "The only good that has happened this year is you moving in with us." Which in a way is not a positive comment to me it was what made him happy. And what made his year.
I asked my mom for a long time if I could move back with her and through it all she just told me that I had to stay there and that was my home now. Yes I did always have a roof over my head when I lived there, but when it came to anything else I was at the bottom of the food chain. I believe that my step-mother thought of me as the something that she had to deal with and that I didn't belong in her house.
I did my best to try and get to know these people and I don't say this in a mean way its just what they are to me, people/acquaintances. But I do believe that they caused me more hurt in the long run than any good.
The only reason that I am writing this is so I can feel like I can breathe again. I have been holding this in since it all started in June of 2005 till March of 2007. I think that it is time to let it go and this is the best way that I knew how.
I am not trying to offend anyone by this post and if you would rather send me an e-mail than post a comment my e-mail address is subarufann@hotmail.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)