Thursday, December 20, 2007

No title to describe this post

I feel like I am being a nuisance to everyone that I come in contact with. I don't know what I do to cause it, but it seems to always happens. I guess that is part of the reason that I haven't posted in such a long time.

I try my best to not annoy or be a problem to anyone else, but lately it seems that is the only thing that I am good at.

This has not been the best couple years for me. Being a trouble maker my sophomore year of high school and being sent to live with Ron (my biological father). Living in a three bedroom house that you could barely walk through the doorways in with 5 other people and them not wanting to be anywhere near you or talk to you is not the funnest experience.

And being forced into going back into the LDS church with no choice in the matter is not that great either. Nothing against the people, but it is just not for me at this point in time. Maybe once I come to terms with some things I will be able to go back, but not until then.

Anyways then being under house arrest because of me doing some more things that are stupid. And the only real reason that I did do those things is so that I could breathe something other than hatred that was directed at me for a year and a half almost two years. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, or the sense of the positive attention that I needed from some one that could treat me like a daughter.

The whole two years that I lived with Ron and Kim were some of the most painful years in my teens so far. There was no complementing me on my grades and how good I was doing in one class or the other. They only focused on the negative. Why I failed a test. Why I have to do this. You need to do that. I think in that amount of time that I lived with them I got a total of one positive comment and it was from Ron who said to me "The only good that has happened this year is you moving in with us." Which in a way is not a positive comment to me it was what made him happy. And what made his year.

I asked my mom for a long time if I could move back with her and through it all she just told me that I had to stay there and that was my home now. Yes I did always have a roof over my head when I lived there, but when it came to anything else I was at the bottom of the food chain. I believe that my step-mother thought of me as the something that she had to deal with and that I didn't belong in her house.

I did my best to try and get to know these people and I don't say this in a mean way its just what they are to me, people/acquaintances. But I do believe that they caused me more hurt in the long run than any good.

The only reason that I am writing this is so I can feel like I can breathe again. I have been holding this in since it all started in June of 2005 till March of 2007. I think that it is time to let it go and this is the best way that I knew how.

I am not trying to offend anyone by this post and if you would rather send me an e-mail than post a comment my e-mail address is subarufann@hotmail.com

7 comments:

Kira Joy said...

Hilary, I don't know you very well at all and we share to very different backgrounds. I obviously can't tell you that I know how you feel, so I won't even attempt. I have, however, felt like an inconvenience and I know how it feels to be hurt, and they both suck. Everybody wants to feel valued, appreciated and loved. Everybody wants to feel like they are worth far more than the small amount of space they take up in the world. Everyday of your life hasn't been like that, Hilary and I can't imagine that doesn't kill you inside.

But you are in a unique position. You are only weeks away from becoming a mom, a job that you will have for a whole lot longer than just the "18 years" you are legally responsible. You will be a mom for life. For so many years, everything in your child's life is going to depend on you. YOU will be the most important person in your house. YOU will be the person that child is depending on for survival, patience, appreciation and love. You can make your baby's life what you want it. You will be in charge of insuring that your child never feels like a nuisance or an annoyance.

This is your chance to start your life anew with you child's new life. Be the person you want to be.

Be true. Be true to who you are, dig deep, find yourself. Find independence in yourself: someone who is independent is rarely a nuisance.

Be faithful. Have hope that things can always get better. You know what you are capable of and you have endured a ton of crap, you can get through it.

Be loyal. There are so many people out there who can and want to help you. There are so many people who sincerely love you. Stick with them. Love them.

Be grateful. No matter how crappy things feel, no matter how crappy things actually are, no matter how much you don't think there is any possible way they could get worse...there is always something to be grateful for and I promise you, if you make those the things you appreciate the center of your life, it will be easier...it won't be easy...but it will be easier.

Be forgiving...mostly of me. I hope this didn't feel like a lecture. I am in no position to lecture you, I know that, and I don't want to. I just want to let you know I care, and I think about you, and gosh dang it, I pray about you Hilary. I seriously do. I wish the best for you and ya, I love you too.

Sorry I am so wordy.

-Kira

Kira Joy said...

PS: sorry I didn't proof read that!

Claire Marie said...

and the best part of being a grown up now is that you are part of the "grown up woman club". This family has so many woman to surround yourself with and they are all such a positive influence. Women need women.

As a mom you will learn that you will do your very best every day with all of your capability. Some days, weeks, months you will feel highly capable. Others you will be less able but still doing your best for that time. All we can do is our best.

This time of your life is very special. You are entering motherhood and womanhood after being a child for too long yet maybe not long enough. I wish I could give you back some of the years that were tough on our family. I can't. You know how much you are loved by me.

As you emerge from these teenage years you will understand the pressures of adulthood and also the freedoms. You have my support.

Finally, when this baby comes you are going to be busier than the rest of us. Gestation is a long boring waiting game for every mom. Hang in there kid. The ride is about to begin.

xoxoxo Mom

Claire Marie said...

A secret that only I know you existed.
The feeling that you were mine and all mine.
Knowing that our love would last a lifetime and beyond.
No matter what we were a part of each other forever.
Looking into your eyes for the first time and seeing the depth of your soul.
Spending those first few days alone getting to know each others ways.
Your skin so velvety soft and your breath so innocently sweet.
The way you looked to me for comfort and warmth.
The way I needed your need of me.
So sweet. So wonderful that love has grown.
So powerful the spirit finds an adulthood as it strains.
We have been tested and yet we have clung on to that love.
Two decades of intermittent closeness and a rapid return to sameness.
The understanding that we are going to make it together in this old world.
A sense of cautiousness when feelings are fragile and misunderstanding is near.
Joy at your successes.
Smiles at your genuine laughter.
Sadness at your intense struggles.
Guilt that I cannot live your life for you when it gets so tough.
Pride that you can make good decisions and find your own way.
That you are about to find your own first true love awes and humbles me.
Satisfaction that through you our family is blessed twofold.
A sense of sweet happiness that it is all going to be okay.

You were my first true love.

Jennie said...

Oh, sweet Hilary, you break my heart! I wish I would have spent more time with you while you were here. Please know you are loved an appreciated by so many people. Love, your Common Law Auntie :) Jenalyn

Laura said...

Hilary, don't regret your "troubled days" learn from them, grow from them and most of all, look back on them and laugh. You are not alone, so many of us in this family have made mistakes, taken chances, and fallen. But we all made it here, we are all great people. You have so much going for you, you determine what comes of your life. With out chances, and falls and burns, we would never learn & grow. Our past makes our presence, and it's your turn to give this baby everything you never had.. It may be kisses every twenty seconds, or it may be a well deserved nap. Shower this baby with love and support, have no regrets. We all love you, and think about you often. Your mother is right, and she loves you. Jason is there for you, and always has been. Use your resources, and NEVER be afraid to ask for help, no matter your age. You are beautiful, and full of life, and I can not wait to meet this baby that you have created!

Jason said...

Wow, Hilary. What amazing words from some of the best women in the world. I hope you've ready every word very carefully. Go back and read them again and again and take them to heart.

I'm sorry living in Utah was such a bad experience. But I think it taught you a very painful lesson that you needed to learn, and there was no other way to learn it.

Laura's right. . . I'm here for you. Always have been. Always will be.