I feel like I am being a nuisance to everyone that I come in contact with. I don't know what I do to cause it, but it seems to always happens. I guess that is part of the reason that I haven't posted in such a long time.
I try my best to not annoy or be a problem to anyone else, but lately it seems that is the only thing that I am good at.
This has not been the best couple years for me. Being a trouble maker my sophomore year of high school and being sent to live with Ron (my biological father). Living in a three bedroom house that you could barely walk through the doorways in with 5 other people and them not wanting to be anywhere near you or talk to you is not the funnest experience.
And being forced into going back into the LDS church with no choice in the matter is not that great either. Nothing against the people, but it is just not for me at this point in time. Maybe once I come to terms with some things I will be able to go back, but not until then.
Anyways then being under house arrest because of me doing some more things that are stupid. And the only real reason that I did do those things is so that I could breathe something other than hatred that was directed at me for a year and a half almost two years. It felt like no one understood what I was going through, or the sense of the positive attention that I needed from some one that could treat me like a daughter.
The whole two years that I lived with Ron and Kim were some of the most painful years in my teens so far. There was no complementing me on my grades and how good I was doing in one class or the other. They only focused on the negative. Why I failed a test. Why I have to do this. You need to do that. I think in that amount of time that I lived with them I got a total of one positive comment and it was from Ron who said to me "The only good that has happened this year is you moving in with us." Which in a way is not a positive comment to me it was what made him happy. And what made his year.
I asked my mom for a long time if I could move back with her and through it all she just told me that I had to stay there and that was my home now. Yes I did always have a roof over my head when I lived there, but when it came to anything else I was at the bottom of the food chain. I believe that my step-mother thought of me as the something that she had to deal with and that I didn't belong in her house.
I did my best to try and get to know these people and I don't say this in a mean way its just what they are to me, people/acquaintances. But I do believe that they caused me more hurt in the long run than any good.
The only reason that I am writing this is so I can feel like I can breathe again. I have been holding this in since it all started in June of 2005 till March of 2007. I think that it is time to let it go and this is the best way that I knew how.
I am not trying to offend anyone by this post and if you would rather send me an e-mail than post a comment my e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org